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I can’t wait for the second coming of Christ, thought not for any religious reasons. What I’m waiting for, is to see which corporate entity will get his sponsorship.

I can see the Christ testimonials already.

“When I turn water into wine, I turn it into delicious Sutter Home Wine“.

Or inversely,

“When I turn water into wine, I only start with fresh, pure, crisp Evian mineral water.”

Or what about this?

“The only sandal I trust on my feet while walking across water, are Birkenstock Sandals.”

Or maybe . . .

“When I got nailed to the cross, I wished that the Romans had an ACE Hardware available to have purchased proper fastening devices from. I wouldn’t trust the third rate nails they used to hang up a picture of my mother, much less a wholly grown adult human.”

Or perhaps he shall use his magic abilities to go into business for himself?

“Buy Jesus Loaf! Jesus Loaf is made from 100% flesh of Christ. Being made from the flesh of a mammal, it is very low in carbs, and therefor is the bread of choice for anybody who is on the Atkins diet.”

But what will be best, is when people try to fling around his name for any reason, he’ll be there to rebuke them.

“Well Pat, I don’t understand why Terrell Owens gets off telling people I helped him score that last second touchdown to upset the Raiders last week. As a matter of fact, I got screwed out of $50 due to that play. If anything, I would have used my powers to make that jerk drop the ball in the end zone, but I didn’t’ because I care about the integrity of the game. You know how when people say ‘Jesus H. Christ!’? Well, that H stands for honesty. So Mr. Owens, you can just STFU.”

The Evil Action Coalition Evil Action R532.tx1.6
Code name: “The Stranger”
Inspiration: Drunken mid-late 30’s women who showed up by herself to The Tap Room on a Wednesday night and was really enjoying herself.

Plan of Evil Action:

1. Find a drunken individual with no visible entourage.
2. Seduce this person. Task shouldn’t require any more effort then just talking to them.
3. Offer the person to come over to your place for (some more drinks | a more private party | a Bill O`Reilly caliber falafel).
4. Drive this person to a (friend’s | enemy’s) house who you know will be asleep, and doesn’t lock their doors.
5. Manage to not find a good parking spot.
6. Open the front door and say “Oh crap, I left my (cell phone | wallet | weed) in the car. Go on in and make yourself at home, I’ll be back in a minute.”
7. Go back to your car
8. Drive home
9. Go to bed

Evil Action Complete.

Even Jesus didn’t get beans named after him.

I wish that in my lifetime, that I receive a vision from an archangel, lead the French Royal Army, kick some English ass, be tried for Heresy, burned at the stake, and recognized as a national heroine and be canonized by The Pope. I want this for one reason, and one reason alone.

I want all this so that five centuries later, some corporation can use my name and my deeds to implicate the awesome standard of quality & excellence in the beans that they are trying to sell.

It would all be worth it.

When you really think about it, in America, the fourth of July would probably be the best day of the year to shoot somebody if you don’t want to draw attention to yourself. Everyone will just think that you are shooting off some huge fireworks.

Even better would be if you shot a Brit. Then there would be some historical context to go along with the murder.