Tomorrow when I awake, I shall start life anew under my new philosophical perspective on life. The new way that I will live my life will be that of successlessnessology. I know that you are wondering what successlessnessology is all about, so let me give you a quote that sums it up.
“Do your worst, so that others may succeed.” ~Some great person
I’ll explain it to you in a little more depth. Basically what I’ll do from now on try to fail, so it is easier for others to succeed, then bask in the warm feeling inside that comes from knowing that I helped others be happy.
Let me illustrate. Suppose I am bowling, there is two teams of 5, one of which I am on. If I try my hardest and my team wins, the amount of happiness looks like this,
4 happy Winners – 5 unhappy losers + 1 happy me = happiness index of 0
If I do my worst so that the other team wins it looks like this,
5 happy winners – 4 unhappy losers + 1 happy me = happiness index of 2
See, using successlessnessology, the amount of happiness is higher by 2. Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking “But then your team will beat you up for throwing the game.” Well, this is where the rock solid foundation of successlessnessology gets demonstrated. See, when your team beats you up, they become happy. Now, since they are now happy, the -4 in the formula above gets changed into a +4, meaning the happiness index is now at a maximum 10! See,
Successlessnessology doesn’t fail.
Once again, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “I see the undeniable truth about successlessnessology, but I’m just a poor college student, I don’t have the time to help people by failing.” This, my friend, is far from the truth. Many college professors nation wide grade their exams on a curve, what you can do is score as low as possible on your exams, lowering the curve, resulting in higher grades for everyone. For example, if you are asked to take the integral of
(X-6)/(e^x) on the interval between 5 and infinity, Write in for your answer “Britney Spear’s Clubbed Foot” Or if you are given an essay question that asks how the works of Ernest Hemingway influenced society in the 20th century, write for an answer “The Old Man and the Sea makes baby Jesus cry.” It is all very simple after you get the hang of it.
One last point on successlessnessology. You must pay a cash fee of $120USD every 2 months to be a part of the organization. A small amount to give for the amount of happiness that you will receive.