The other day I was sitting around in my advanced high-tech philosochamber, letting it aid my brain in the pondering and reasoning of life’s great riddles, when one very profound question came into my head. “How many points could Don Majkowski score singlehandedly against the Minnesota Vikings?” It seemed obvious that the world needed to know the answer to this question, so I removed my thinking cap and slipped into my best lab coat to figure it out in a highly scientific manner.
A quick history of Majkowski. He was the Green Bay Packer’s QB in the late 80’s who had one good season that almost got the team to the playoffs which earned him the nickname “The Majik Man.” Then one game in early 1992, he got injured and this little bench warmer named Faver, or Farve, or something with a vee in it came in and The Majik Man hasn’t been seen since.
Well, now that you know that, back to the extremely accurate scientific experiment. The extremely accurate scientific experiment was all ready to go and would have given unquestionable results, but two key components couldn’t be obtained.
- The Majik Man. He couldn’t get reached, even after a killer bribe offer case a Twinkies, and an actual unaltered photograph of Britney Spears naked.
- Crystals made from rare Earth materials. I got outbid on eBay on them.
With such critical components missing, I had to run the test using the best simulation method known to man. Tecmo Super Bowl.
The game was played with one rule imposed. Nobody on Green Bay’s offense is allowed to handle the ball, except for Don Majkowski. Kick returners and defensive persons who manage to get their hands on the ball may as well, but with minimal effort, for this is Donnie’s big day. Chris Jacke is also given permission to kick those well earned extra points.
The simulation computer was configured, and we let it run for many days as its vacuum tubes and transistors determined the outcome. Finally, after day 11, the results were in.
The Majik Man can pack away twelve touchdowns versus the Minnesota Vikings. The world can rest easy now. Here is the full vid of the match.