Here is a quick tip for any marketing people out there. Quit using the term “Space Age . . ” to describe your products. All that really means is that it was built with technology created after 1957. 1957 was a while back now, it doesn’t exactly mean *new and awesome* anymore. You’re just making yourself sound dumb.

I can see the Christ testimonials already.

“When I turn water into wine, I turn it into delicious Sutter Home Wine“.

Or inversely,

“When I turn water into wine, I only start with fresh, pure, crisp Evian mineral water.”

Or what about this?

“The only sandal I trust on my feet while walking across water, are Birkenstock Sandals.”

Or maybe . . .

“When I got nailed to the cross, I wished that the Romans had an ACE Hardware available to have purchased proper fastening devices from. I wouldn’t trust the third rate nails they used to hang up a picture of my mother, much less a wholly grown adult human.”

Or perhaps he shall use his magic abilities to go into business for himself?

“Buy Jesus Loaf! Jesus Loaf is made from 100% flesh of Christ. Being made from the flesh of a mammal, it is very low in carbs, and therefor is the bread of choice for anybody who is on the Atkins diet.”

But what will be best, is when people try to fling around his name for any reason, he’ll be there to rebuke them.

“Well Pat, I don’t understand why Terrell Owens gets off telling people I helped him score that last second touchdown to upset the Raiders last week. As a matter of fact, I got screwed out of $50 due to that play. If anything, I would have used my powers to make that jerk drop the ball in the end zone, but I didn’t’ because I care about the integrity of the game. You know how when people say ‘Jesus H. Christ!’? Well, that H stands for honesty. So Mr. Owens, you can just STFU.”

Plan of Evil Action:

1. Find a drunken individual with no visible entourage.
2. Seduce this person. Task shouldn’t require any more effort then just talking to them.
3. Offer the person to come over to your place for (some more drinks | a more private party | a Bill O`Reilly caliber falafel).
4. Drive this person to a (friend’s | enemy’s) house who you know will be asleep, and doesn’t lock their doors.
5. Manage to not find a good parking spot.
6. Open the front door and say “Oh crap, I left my (cell phone | wallet | weed) in the car. Go on in and make yourself at home, I’ll be back in a minute.”
7. Go back to your car
8. Drive home
9. Go to bed

Evil Action Complete.

A quick list of things I wish to accomplish in my life;

I want these things for one reason, and one reason alone.

I want all these things so that five centuries later, some corporation can use my name and my deeds to implicate the awesome standard of quality & excellence in the beans that they are trying to sell.

It would all be worth it.

Even better would be if you shot a Brit. Then there would be some historical context to go along with the murder.

This ribbon sponsored by The Committe for Awareness of Constipated Americans, or CACA for short.

I wasn’t sure what to expect opening this letter, but the contents were great! Mail order prayer for pretty much anything you want. And a fee isn’t even required. All of the images have high resolution links to them if you wish to read the small print.

First up, is this dude.

They lost me right here. I can’t trust anyone with hair that big.

On the backside of Mr. Bad-hair, we have this lady,

who is also full of poop.

The included letter/form.

And finally! The Prayer Rug! You are suppose to look at this thing until Jesus opens his eyes, then make a prayer.

Fine enough, expect that it isn’t really a rug, it is a piece of printed paper. This “rug” wouldn’t last a day in our foyer soaking up the wet from our shoes.

I also don’t like that it is soaked in prayer. I think it may rub off and discolor my socks.

Well. I was going to fill the stuff out, and send it back, but probably won’t. See, my brain kind of rushed in, and took two approaches to the humor, which I don’t think make sense together. And I have standards I need to live up too. But I’ll show my work anyways.

My first idea was to just be simple and fill out the prayer form and send it back. I filled it out, it may or may not be funny. Here is the filled out form.

My other idea was pretend that a child got a hold of the rug, and did child like things to it. Here is the modified rug, along with the child’s note.

Much more clever I though, but considering the drawing doesn’t look very childish, and the handwriting matches the handwriting on the form, these scam artists would be onto me. Remember, I have standards to hold on to.

The Majik Man

The Minnesota Vikings vs. Don Majkowski in a Tecmo Super Bowl showdown.

I know in Wisconsin, it was always a case of “Stupid FIB! Learn to drive or stay off our roads!” when Illinois plates were encountered, and the similar responses when Minnesota plates were encountered. Cross the Minnesota/Wisconsin border and it was pretty much the same. Wisconsin & Iowa drivers don’t know how to drive.

I just wonder, if somewhere out there, there is a place where the boarding drivers are admired? Like if a Nebraska family is driving down the road, and get passed by a car with Colorado plates, does the driver ever go “Look here kids. This truck passing us is from Colorado. Observe how well he maneuvers his vehicle with a grace and agility what we could never hope to achieve being from Nebraska. What a great day.”

Anyway, want to know who can’t drive? Those wimpy warm state people. What driving skills can be learned if the most you ever have to deal with is a little rain? pffft.