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Bible Adventures

Posted by Sjixxxy on August 16, 2001

It comes as no big surprise that a game titled ‘Bible Adventures’ was created by Wisdom Tree, who are notorious for developing unlicensed games based on ye old good book. Once again they have created a gem of christian entertainment, this time for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

The game is divided up into three mini games, Noah’s Ark, Baby Moses and David and Goliath. I will go into more depth on each one later. The first thing that spooked me about this game was that in the opening menu, the default selection was in the middle game, as opposed to the standard which would have placed it at the top game. I was able get over this, but I can imagine that a more conservative audience might find this gesture a little “Risque” or “Artsy,” therefore scaring them away from playing the actual game.

Gathering my wits I push start and begin the adventure of Baby Moses.

Drowning Babies?

The Instructions seemed easy, yet very disturbing.I was to drown baby boys in the Nile, but spare the females. People say that games like Quake and Diablo are bad influences because of their violent and demonic nature, but drowning babies is ok? My mind was at a loss.

The game starts and my character is standing there with a baby at her feet. After a taking a moment to assess its sex, I determine it is a boy and deposit it into the Nile. One baby dead. Continuing through the level I couldn’t find any more babies to drown, just a bunch of legionnaires trying to kill me. Probably for just drowning a baby. Reaching the end of the level and not finding any more babies to drown, I assumed that since it was just the first level, and since drowning babies isn’t something that most people want to consume a lot of, there mush have just been that one baby. Soon as I exit the level though I am informed that I failed the mission for not bringing baby moses with me. WTF I thought, the game tells me to drown babies, when what it actually meant was for me to run all around Egypt toting a screaming, and very white, baby?

I had enough of Baby Moses. It was on to Noah’s Ark

Noah the powerhouse.

Animal Inventory

The concept of this game was much easier to understand, and not vulgar like drowning helpless infants. Herr Noah is to gather animals and forcefully jam them into an ark. Many of them do so kicking and screaming.

It didn’t take me long to realize the Noah must spend a lot more time at the gym then what is understood in the bible. There seemed to be no limit as to mow many animals he could hoist onto his head. Even more amazing is the great dexterity he has when he flips another animal or hay bail onto an already impressive stack of mammals.

The game play of this mini game was pretty uneventful, unless you count the attacks by the bald eagles who swoop in to give Noah a big fat taste of American justice for forcefully trying to push around those weaker then him.

I went with the routine of gathering animals, and having to put up with the angry ones for a while. Then, upon viewing a certain screen, I became troubled. It wasn’t that they where trying to pass off the claim that Turtles, Eagles, Toucans, Raccoons and Panda Bears are all native to the same geographical area, but rather that I had to gather Blue Jays, Eagles, Black Birds and Toucans. Thinking back to my childhood, I remember flipping through the colorful pages of my grandma’s bird watching books. Applying that information to the situation of Noah’s Ark, I realized that I was going to be sitting my ass in this chair an awfully long time gathering up all of the different species of birds, then probably would have to do the same with all of the other types of animals.

Then I considered the insects. It was time to move on to David and Goliath for some good, bloody giant slaying fun.

Bloody giant slaying fun was no where to be found. Instead the game of ‘David and Goliath’ just has David gathering sheep. w00t. I could have sworn that I just got done playing the ‘gather up animals’ game in Noah’s Ark. This angered me in a way I have never seen before. Yet I continued to gather sheep for about five levels in hopes that I would soon get some bloody giant slaying fun. It never happened, therefore ending my time playing ‘David and Goliath.’

In conclusion, all I really want to say right now is that my insides hurt. (Which they really do, I’m not making that up) This game has many fine qualities that mark it as a modern classic. Such as the following,

• One monotonous song that is played in all three games.
• Excessively crappy controls
• Three distinct takes on exactly the same game play
• Some slick coding that lets your character run faster then the screen scroll can keep up with.
• Wholesome christian values

The Final Verdict
Don’t be fooled. If anyone buys you this game, it isn’t because they want to teach you about the love of Christ. They really hate you and want you to die.