I can’t wait for the second coming of Christ, thought not for any religious reasons. What I’m waiting for, is to see which corporate entity will get his sponsorship.

I can see the Christ testimonials already.

“When I turn water into wine, I turn it into delicious Sutter Home Wine“.

Or inversely,

“When I turn water into wine, I only start with fresh, pure, crisp Evian mineral water.”

Or what about this?

“The only sandal I trust on my feet while walking across water, are Birkenstock Sandals.”

Or maybe . . .

“When I got nailed to the cross, I wished that the Romans had an ACE Hardware available to have purchased proper fastening devices from. I wouldn’t trust the third rate nails they used to hang up a picture of my mother, much less a wholly grown adult human.”

Or perhaps he shall use his magic abilities to go into business for himself?

“Buy Jesus Loaf! Jesus Loaf is made from 100% flesh of Christ. Being made from the flesh of a mammal, it is very low in carbs, and therefor is the bread of choice for anybody who is on the Atkins diet.”

But what will be best, is when people try to fling around his name for any reason, he’ll be there to rebuke them.

“Well Pat, I don’t understand why Terrell Owens gets off telling people I helped him score that last second touchdown to upset the Raiders last week. As a matter of fact, I got screwed out of $50 due to that play. If anything, I would have used my powers to make that jerk drop the ball in the end zone, but I didn’t’ because I care about the integrity of the game. You know how when people say ‘Jesus H. Christ!’? Well, that H stands for honesty. So Mr. Owens, you can just STFU.”

This letter came in the mail today.

I wasn’t sure what to expect opening this letter, but the contents were great! Mail order prayer for pretty much anything you want. And a fee isn’t even required. All of the images have high resolution links to them if you wish to read the small print.

First up, is this dude.

They lost me right here. I can’t trust anyone with hair that big.

On the backside of Mr. Bad-hair, we have this lady,

who is also full of poop.

The included letter/form.

And finally! The Prayer Rug! You are suppose to look at this thing until Jesus opens his eyes, then make a prayer.

Fine enough, expect that it isn’t really a rug, it is a piece of printed paper. This “rug” wouldn’t last a day in our foyer soaking up the wet from our shoes.

I also don’t like that it is soaked in prayer. I think it may rub off and discolor my socks.

Well. I was going to fill the stuff out, and send it back, but probably won’t. See, my brain kind of rushed in, and took two approaches to the humor, which I don’t think make sense together. And I have standards I need to live up too. But I’ll show my work anyways.

My first idea was to just be simple and fill out the prayer form and send it back. I filled it out, it may or may not be funny. Here is the filled out form.

My other idea was pretend that a child got a hold of the rug, and did child like things to it. Here is the modified rug, along with the child’s note.

Much more clever I though, but considering the drawing doesn’t look very childish, and the handwriting matches the handwriting on the form, these scam artists would be onto me. Remember, I have standards to hold on to.

Suicide bombers are a crazy lot, no? They have been indoctrinated enough to believe that blowing themselves up is the right thing to do. Though this is usually pretty horrible as a lot of people end up getting hurt in the process. However, I think Hollywood could take a lesson from these people. Hollywood should look and realize that with enough religious indoctrination, that humans are dumb enough to do very crazy things for as little as promising a big pile of poontang in the afterlife. They could use this trait of wanting to die freely not for hated and violence, but to make cinema better.

Think of all the times you have been watching a movie, and one of the villains’s goons, or unnamed henchmen runs out and gets shot. A movie with a good budget might make it up with squibs to look decent, and a low budget movie may just have the guy spazz out and fall over without a wound. Then there is the first Mad Max. With neither squib technology, or the want to cop out and just have someone fake getting hit, they bought a very inexpensive bullet, and shot the special effects director in the knee with it to give the scene the extra touch of realism.

Now combine the ideas in the last two paragraphs, and we have The Church of Hollywood Fundamentalist Extras. The church would consist of hordes upon hordes of cloned humans indoctrinated from the day they are created to believe that their only reason for being is their holy duty to get wounded, maimed, or die in Hollywood cinema as an extra. Gone will be the days of bad CGI effects and third rate makeup artists as there are thousands of people literally dying to play the roles of “Gunman #1″ and “Teenager doing ecstasy on rooftop #3.” These actors will do their part with complete conviction, and will demand no payments. The quality of cinema has nothing to lose.

One quick note for the naysayers. Remember, clones have no souls and Jesus hates them. So it is perfectly moral to kill them for our amusement. You can’t argue with logic that sound.

Tomorrow when I awake, I shall start life anew under my new philosophical perspective on life. The new way that I will live my life will be that of successlessnessology. I know that you are wondering what successlessnessology is all about, so let me give you a quote that sums it up.

“Do your worst, so that others may succeed.” ~Some great person

I’ll explain it to you in a little more depth. Basically what I’ll do from now on try to fail, so it is easier for others to succeed, then bask in the warm feeling inside that comes from knowing that I helped others be happy.

Let me illustrate. Suppose I am bowling, there is two teams of 5, one of which I am on. If I try my hardest and my team wins, the amount of happiness looks like this,

4 happy Winners - 5 unhappy losers + 1 happy me = happiness index of 0

If I do my worst so that the other team wins it looks like this,

5 happy winners - 4 unhappy losers + 1 happy me = happiness index of 2

See, using successlessnessology, the amount of happiness is higher by 2. Now I know what you are thinking. You are thinking “But then your team will beat you up for throwing the game.” Well, this is where the rock solid foundation of successlessnessology gets demonstrated. See, when your team beats you up, they become happy. Now, since they are now happy, the -4 in the formula above gets changed into a +4, meaning the happiness index is now at a maximum 10! See,
Successlessnessology doesn’t fail.

Once again, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking, “I see the undeniable truth about successlessnessology, but I’m just a poor college student, I don’t have the time to help people by failing.” This, my friend, is far from the truth. Many college professors nation wide grade their exams on a curve, what you can do is score as low as possible on your exams, lowering the curve, resulting in higher grades for everyone. For example, if you are asked to take the integral of
(X-6)/(e^x) on the interval between 5 and infinity, Write in for your answer “Britney Spear’s Clubbed Foot” Or if you are given an essay question that asks how the works of Ernest Hemingway influenced society in the 20th century, write for an answer “The Old Man and the Sea makes baby Jesus cry.” It is all very simple after you get the hang of it.

One last point on successlessnessology. You must pay a cash fee of $120USD every 2 months to be a part of the organization. A small amount to give for the amount of happiness that you will receive.