Christmas in July

Today, sometime around 2:30, I woke up and looked out my window. It appears that it has gotten warm enough outside to melt all the snow off of our lawn. Worse yet, the lawn is still green. Actually, it looks to be in better shape now than it did this summer. Putting the healthy green lawn aside, I pondered on the fact that in recent years, the winter season has been pretty sucktacular. Surely this couldn't be a natural matter, so I decided it was time to figure out what has happened to winter in recent years.

The first step was to round up the usual suspects, so I had my people get in touch with Satan's people. The word back from SIHA (Satanic Institute for Human Affairs) was that the dark lord has not touched winter in any way shape or form, and that all he wants to do is live free in his Stygian underworld and work on his new web development venture. The contact for Satan then added that Mr. Satan wishes humans would quit using him as a scapegoat and that they should start accepting the blame for their own actions instead of passing it on to him. Ruling out Satan, I then approached the next flavor of the month for blame, the terrorists. I ended up decided not to blame the terrorists on the matter because I didn't want to be trendy. So it was onto scapegoat number three, but as I was dialing the number for Global Warming, I thought back to something someone said and the truth dawned on me.

Those Christmas in July sonsabitches are to blame. See, what I was told in reply to the green lawn January was "Just wait until March and April. That is when winter will come, and it will probably last until July." Who celebrates wintry events in July? Nobody! Except for those Christmas in July cultists. Sure, they were not content with just celebrating Christmas in July, so now they have developed a device that is slowly bringing the winter cold and snow into July, thus robbing it from us who celebrate in December. I think it is time for a call to arms. We must discover where this device is being held and smash it into tiny bits and hand winter back over to nature.