I have to give a handshake to the people at Maxis for making
nice software for us all to play God. Course, I’m talking about the
Sims games. Last night I decided to make life hell for eight random
sims in Sims 2 by holding a Sim Survivor Deathmatch. Rules are
simple.
Eight Sims
No doors to the outside world
Minimal Provisions/comforts
Last Sim alive wins
Let’s meet the cast.
From Left To Right
Arturo: Crazy old scottish looking ass
clown.
Samson: Token black guy.
Gretchen: Old gray haired hag in the running
suit.
Donnie: Villian from Fifth Element.
Jeb: Redneck.
Faye: Pink Top, Chubby ass.
Yelena: Kneeling sweater meat.
Haike: Swiss Miss.
Soon as they moved in and were still
happy. They had a big dance party. A very homo erotic dance
party.
Take a final look outside Haike, it will be
your last if you don’t win.
Arturo does the pee-pee dance. . .
. . . followed by the Ashlee Simpson
hoedown! Actually, Arturo just pissed himself.
The lack of hygiene made the whole place
smell like Calcutta.
Yup. Calcutta!
Yelena joins the “I pissed myself”
club.
Things are starting to get tense.
For a while, the contestants just danced, chatted, pissed their
pants, and smelled real bad. Then some unknown sim decided to use
the oven and forgot about the food. The first round of “Voting
out” was about to begin.
Donnie shrieks because of the
fire.
Then he proceeds to gets himself cornered
behind the flames...
...and becomes the first Sim to be “Voted
out”.
Faye, although being plenty far away from
the fire, learns the hard way that she shouldn’t have cooked Chili
Con Carne this night...
...and gets herself voted out.
As does Samson for getting too close to
her.
Arturo, on the other hand, accepts the fact
that he lived a sad sad life and takes his inevitable descent into
hell like a man.
Jeb caught fire but managed to survive.
Afterwards, he breaks down and cries like a newborn kitten wanting
milk.
After the kitchen incident, only Haike, Yelena, Gretchen & Jeb
remained. The fire must have left the place smoldering hot since
they all proceeded to strip down to their undies. Except for
Gretchen, who is a cold ugly witch and keeps herself in nice warm
jammies. Since there were no more sources for fire left, death will
have to be dealt by other means. The next day would be a trying
day.
Before the new day dawns, it is nappy
time!
Food is getting scarce, and soon I’ll vote
the refrigerator out of the house. In the meantime Yelena gets
crazy excited for scoring the last bag of Chips.
Stupid redneck passes his germs into the
milk before going to bed!
And regrets it the next morning when his
contaminated cereal tastes like grandma’s drippy panties.
Gretchen copes by praying for this hell to
end...
...while Yelena fights depression by
showing us how to juggle
Haike doesn’t really know what the hell she
is going to do to stay sane.
Yelena realizes that if she is going to
win, she needs to take matters into her own hands...
...and tries to kick the crap out of
Gretchen as she is the oldest and probably would break and die the
easiest. In the end, Yelena fails to do the redrum.
Haike’s lack of a skill to keep herself
sane catches up with her and she tips over dead.
Yelena failed to murder Gretchen, but
Samson makes a guest reappearance and takes his own shot at
Yelena...
...and lays her out cold. Two Sims
remain.
The shock of seeing the sun for a third day
must have been too much for old Gretchen, for her heart gave out
and she dropped over dead. Leaving the victory to Jeb...
...who crawls out of bed to celebrate his
victory and promptly falls dead.
I guess it just goes to show that when you play god, there are
no winners, except comedy.
the sims rock