Corporate Jesus

Posted on August 13, 2005 - Philosophy/Religion - 1 Comment

I can’t wait for the second coming of Christ, thought not for any religious reasons. What I’m waiting for, is to see which corporate entity will get his sponsorship.

I can see the Christ testimonials already.

“When I turn water into wine, I turn it into delicious Sutter Home Wine“.

Or inversely,

“When I turn water into wine, I only start with fresh, pure, crisp Evian spring water.”

Or what about this?

“The only sandal I trust on my feet while walking across water, are Birkenstock Sandals.”

Or maybe . . .

“When I got nailed to the cross, I wished that the Romans had an ACE Hardware available to have purchased proper fastening devices from. I wouldn’t trust the third rate nails they used to hang up a picture of my mother, much less a wholly grown adult human.”

Or perhaps he shall use his magic abilities to go into business for himself?

“Buy Jesus Loaf! Jesus Loaf is made from 100% flesh of Christ. Being made from the flesh of a mammal, it is very low in carbs, and therefor is the bread of choice for anybody who is on the Atkins diet.”

But what will be best, is when people try to fling around his name for any reason, he’ll be there to rebuke them.

“Well Pat, I don’t understand why Terrell Owens gets off telling people I helped him score that last second touchdown to upset the Raiders last week. As a matter of fact, I got screwed out of $50 due to that play. If anything, I would have used my powers to make that jerk drop the ball in the end zone, but I didn’t’ because I care about the integrity of the game. You know how when people say ‘Jesus H. Christ!’? Well, that H stands for honesty. So Mr. Owens, you can just STFU.”

Tags: Jesus Christ, Corporate Shills

1 Comment


ZOSIA FUCKING BLUE - August 27, 2005, 8:22 PM

Jesus Loaf!


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